I was going to write a blog post yesterday.

When I got home from my day job, I had full plans to do it. But you know what I did? I told myself that I needed to stop spending SO much on coffeehouse drinks. (Seriously, between $4 to $6 per drink when I have coffee, and syrup, and a coffee maker at home!) I was craving different, though, so I decided to drag out my Mr. Coffee Café Barista machine. 

Of course, it was in bad need of a cleaning, since it had been stored in the cupboard for about a year. It was a Christmas gift from my fiancé three years ago, and I loved it, but I stopped using it for a while mainly due to laziness, I guess. There were so many little parts to wash each time I used it and my brain said "hassle" and I let it sit there unused and finally put it up, not sure if I would use it again. 

There was a little tang of guilt that went along with all of this, of course.

So getting it out of the cupboard yesterday felt good. I was finally going to use it again. So I spent 20 minutes cleaning all the parts really well, and getting it set up on the counter. Then I couldn't remember how to use it, so I looked up the manual online. Finally, 30 minutes after I started the whole thing, I had a cup of coffee.

No blog post, though.

Surely, now I would be able to start it. 

Nope, kids are home. They talk about their days for a few minutes and start on chores. The two girls head to the library for book club and Jake is in his room. I have about an hour to myself.

So . . .

I make my fiancé his Valentine's gift, a slideshow of reasons I love him. Is it necessary? No, but he doesn't want me to buy him stuff and he doesn't eat store bought sweets. Plus, he has a running joke of why do I love him, so I thought it would be meaningful to give him 50 reasons.

If you have some Nancy Drew-like abilities, you might have guessed it: I spent my hour on that, not blog post writing.

Then, life: I promised my daughter I would finish watching "It" with her, and I wanted to get that done before my fiancé got home because he doesn't care for horror movies. (Highly recommended by the way, and I'm not big on horror. I just loved the characters). As you can guess, finishing the movie, doing dinner, eating dinner, and suddenly it's almost 9pm and I still haven't written a damn thing.

So in the little bit of time I have before bed, I sit with my notebook and try to start. My brain feels like rusty gears on a foggy night. I don't know what to say. Where do I focus? What is important?

I then start up on the judgement of me as a writer, and of course, as a person because that's how shame downward spirals go. If you had clarity and a niche, this wouldn't be a problem, little judge-y me voice says, All the experts say when you are focused on your right area, everything flows naturally and you are never at a loss.

Fuck you, judge-y little know it all, I say. I snap my notebook closed and go to bed, where I watch two episodes of The Magicians on Netflix (also recommended!) instead of writing.

Today, I write of my inability to write a blog post. How meta of me.

I know what the experts say. I know what I should be doing, and the "how" of doing it. But I still live with the blank areas of Why am I really doing this? What do I offer? And, to who? Or whom. Whichever. And then I get stuck, because the answer isn't clear yet. (On the questions and the who or whom).

I'm still stumbling, still searching, still trying to figure this all out. Yes, I am clear on my "want" to be a writer/blogger and an artist. All the pieces and parts of this, though? Well, that puzzle is still unfinished. 

So, I was going to write a blog post yesterday, but I didn't.

I did write one today, though.

And I think the most valuable thing I can say about it at this point is that there is always going to be something you don't fully know, or are unsure about. Nobody has all the answers. I tend to read a LOT of blogs and compare myself, at my tiny baby beginning, to their successful middle. It's hard not to, but at least I understand that I am not there yet, I am still fumbling in the dark, and that's okay because every time I step on a Lego or bump into the wall, I learn.

I could have forced myself to write a post yesterday and I might have succeeded, but I needed to learn from my "not writing" that there are still things I'm not sure of (like what to focus on and for who), and those are probably things that will make writing hard until I can get some clarity.

If you're facing something that you feel unsure of or intimidated by, give yourself a break. Learn what you can at this moment and try to remember it for next time so you don't have to go through the lesson again (I think the pain level may increase each time to catch our attention because it wasn't painful enough the first time around! Or is that just me?)

Let's just all go ahead on this time around understanding that we're only one person and perfection is a myth. The main thing I hope to remember looking back on this lesson is that I was going to write a blog post - and I did.

Have you ever tackled a project or task knowing you lacked certain skills or knowledge to do the best you could do? Did it make you question whether or not you could finish? Or did you actually abandon it? Let me know how it went for you!